As everyone knows by now, UConn Football publicly demoted Offensive Coordinator Mike Cummings by posting a job opening on their website for a well-qualified replacement. In all likelihood, they discussed the change of his job description more tactfully with him directly, but with this athletic department you can never be sure. With the position now vacant, and the offense in dire need of a revamp/dose of magic beans that make touchdowns appear, the pool of eligible coaches that UConn has to choose from is ripe for analysis and wish fulfillment guesses.
The UConn Blog already searched extensively for the best and most realistic options from the currently employed FBS coaches or assistants, but what if the future conjurer of points and successful end of half drives could come from anywhere? If UConn fans are good at one thing, it is consistently hoping to snag the least probable candidate out of the bunch. For the offense to completely turn itself around in just one season would be a miracle, like something written for TV.
So for the sake of having a little fun in the face of yet another depressing season of single digit offensive efforts and special teams scoring more than our quarterback, here are some current television characters that would make great additions to the UConn coaching staff for the 2015 season. They may not have FBS experience, or have ever even held a football, but these fictional characters may very well be better than whomever UConn ends up choosing when all is said and done.
The only parameters are that they have to be characters on current TV shows. If shows off the air were in contention the options would have been Coach Taylor, Coach Taylor, Mrs. Coach, Coach Taylor, and Coach Taylor. With that one restriction in place, here are the best options for Warde Manuel, Bob Diaco, and company to consider in their search.
Eli Gold - "The Good Wife"
Alicia Florrick may seem like the better option from this show, and she admittedly wouldn't be bad. Her style instincts could bring some much-needed chicness to the wall of khakis on the sideline of course. Plus, her weakness for successful dark-haired men in incredibly sharp suits means she and Bob would have major chemistry, and she already knows how to use her daughter Grace as a Bible guide when she doesn't understand a religious reference which would help when bonding with Bob during the preseason.
Yet as savvy as Alicia could be as an assistant, she always wants to be the boss more than anything and the last thing UConn Football needs is a potential mutiny in the ranks just two years into Diaco's reign. The better option is Eli Gold; campaign manager extraordinaire and all around problem solver. Not only would he be able to successfully avoid any and all NCAA violations with his fixer skills, he would do it with the most entertaining facial expressions and one liners this side of Bo Pelini. Just imagine the gifs that would result from every interception and dropped pass by an open receiver. He hires and fires government assistants at will, so of course he would have no problem switching starters on a weekly basis as a motivational tactic. What's more, half the time he does all of this shifting of chess pieces without the man in charge realizing it's even happening. If he prepared for opponents as thoroughly and ruthlessly as he prepares for debates the Huskies would score upwards of 30 points at least three times. Maybe even four!
Boyd Crowder - "Justified"
He may be currently preoccupied figuring out how to extricate himself from a sticky situation in Harlan County, but the man knows how to put a competent (if not completely legal) plan together. Depending on whom he is targeting as his current nemesis, his schemes are altered accordingly which applies perfectly to the ever-shifting strengths and weaknesses of weekly opponents. As evidenced by the multiple points in which he has had to escape a near death situation, he can think on the fly which means he would be perfect in end-of-game Hail Mary situations. No matter what stadium the team travels to or weather conditions dealt with, his hair will always look amazing. He and Diaco can share their super secret hair gel strategies on the road.
If he and his fiancé Ava both make it out of Harlan alive, she could come along too and use her background as a cheerleader to spruce up some of the dance team routines. Willimantic already has a Dairy Queen that they can own together. After wins, both of them would certainly pop up in the parking lot to do some shots of bourbon with the remaining fans instead of attending the post-game team meeting. The chances of a Boyd and Ava party outside of The Rent would at least help convince the fans to stay until the end...maybe...if it's warm...and they didn't run out of beer money in the third quarter.
Jon Snow - "Game of Thrones"
He may "know nothing", but that's hardly been a prerequisite for the job before this point. His knowledge of the game (or lack thereof) aside, he can rally troops with the best of them. Convincing Night's Watch members to go into hopeless battle against giants and wildlings is really not all that different from persuading UConn football players to put some effort forward in a meaningless late season matchup against Memphis. If the Huskies' conference standing mimics that of recent years, this trait could really come in handy later in the season.
Where most candidates would balk at the frigid New England cold, this wouldn't be a problem if we offered Snow the job. He comes replete with his own wardrobe of heavy cloaks and fur-lined clothing perfect for the wind that comes whistling through campus and The Rent on bad days. Direwolves are presumably only a few links on the family tree away from Huskies, and he already has one of those. Ghost can be an adorable best friend for Jonathan XIV. He also would not be deterred by the prospect of moving a family to Connecticut under short notice because, well, he doesn't have one.
Ron Swanson - "Parks and Recreation"
Most important qualification up front: He doesn't take s***. From anybody. The thought of Ron Swanson going up against Susan Herbst or Warde Manuel in bureaucratic matters related to the team is tantalizing.
Although in all likelihood he would refuse to work for a state university and be a government employee, he brings enough to the table to make the offer worth it. His commitment to perfection in any given task might actually rub off on the Huskies' TE's, and means he would lock himself in a remote cabin all summer in order to memorize the strengths and weaknesses of all upcoming opponents. His idea of preseason bonding and workouts would be taking the offense on a hiking trip in the White Mountains and using woodworking as a team-building activity. As one of the few options on this list that has proven he can throw a mean spiral, he is the most qualified from a pure football standpoint. Most importantly, if he was hired a contract stipulation that he is required to bring Andy Dwyer as a water boy would be a necessary inclusion. At the very least, UConn could lure him to Storrs with the promise of delicious breakfast food from The Wooden Spoon.
Oliver Queen - "Arrow"
You might be thinking "this is just an opportunity to watch Oliver Queen with his shirt off during summer practice sessions". You would probably be right. As a younger OC, we can only hope Oliver would feel the need to join the team during drills to show them how it's done fitness-wise. He would also bring an eye for opponent weaknesses and a bevy of new offensive drills and fitness routines. I bet not one guy on the team right now can complete a salmon ladder the way Oliver can. By translating his capacity for insane parkour and training younger versions of himself to succeed in tricky situations, he would be a great mentor for college-aged kids and able to whip them into better shape than half the conference in less than a month. He and Diaco strolling into recruiting visits or meetings in a matching pair of perfectly tailored suits would truly be a sight to behold and would probably convince an additional two or three highly valued prospects a year to commit to the Huskies.
On the business side of things, hiring Oliver means a possible influx of large donations as soon as he recovers his company from Ray Palmer. Football may already have a state of the art training center and relatively new stadium, but lord knows the university would do backflips if they got a yearly commitment for scholarships and the new plans to revamp campus. If he doesn't want to give up his vigilante ways, I'm sure UConn police would be more than happy to have him breaking up problematic parties on Hunting Lodge throughout the year.
Jeff Winger - "Community"
A man who is literally only good for nonsensical and mistimed inspirational speeches, but at this point the quarterbacks need all the inspiration they can get before games. We'll take him.
Dan Egan - "VEEP"
As his former flame and office rival Amy Brookheimer could tell you, he makes for an excellent fall guy. The offense might not get any better under his leadership, but at least the fans would have a specific target on which to blame every egregious overthrow and painful loss.
Key & Peele
The package deal is all the rage in college sports, and we already have co-defensive coordinators so why not? Key & Peele will be sure to know exactly how much to celebrate in the end zone, if the Huskies ever actually get there.
So there you go Husky fans, be sure to let us know which TV character do you think would make the best offensive coordinator in the comments!