On Friday I brought you word of the most horrifying t-shirt ever created, which is on sale in UConn's online store. But if you think the horrors stop there than you just don't know UConn like I do. But don't fret dear reader, because I care about you so much I ventured deep into the store's inventory and have returned with tales of horrific objects which I'll now present to you.
I'll start by saying there are is one thing that deserve a mention despite not technically qualifying as "embarrassing." That thing is this Jonathan mobile, which is apparently available in case you want to scare your infant with a dead-eyed version of the mascot.
Now I'm all for introducing children to UConn early, but my preferred method is to use horrible puns, like so:
But enough baby stuff, let's get on with the embarassment.
No. 10 - Pointing Jonathan t-shirt
Here's a handy rule of thumb: never, ever, ever, by a t-shirt with an actual photograph on it. To be fair, this is a kids shirt and kids wear some incredibly embarrassing clothes, but their parents should at least by them shirts that embarrassing because of the cartoon on the front, like this headless football player number.
No. 9 -- UConn boxer shorts
Let's start by giving all due respect to everyone's favorite blue-and-white painted fanatic, who has been known to sport these on occasion. Now that that's done, if you're reading this and your name is not Dale, and you are not painting your entire body blue and white, you should never, ever, ever wear these. Don't even think about it. And ladies, if you are spending some quality time with a gentleman and it turns out he's sporting these, run. Run as fast and as far as you can. I know it'll be tough to sprint while laughing, but I believe in you.
No. 8 -- Husky Country Lithograph
Anytime you can buy a picture of a barn (apparently in Kansas) that would and could never exist you have to do it. Or, you know, not. If, by some miracle, you actually like this, you should probably rush to grab it as it is part of a limited (!) run of 2,400. I shudder at the thought that 2,400 separate home bars in Connecticut might one day be adorned by this.
No. 7 -- UConn emery board
How many times have you found yourself sitting at home, filing away your callouses and wishing that somehow, someway, your emery board could better reflect your school spirit. What's that? You've never done that? Well don't worry then because UConn has you covered with the answer to a problem you did not know you had.
No. 6 -- Pink Polar Fleece Hoodie
No. 5 -- Anything tie-die
Seeing as this is 2012 and not 1972, UConn has a truly spectacular array of tie-die clothing, much of it adorned with the school's logo. Seeing as the student government in the 70s tried to sell the real dog Jonathan as a protest against the Vietnam War (true story) I can't quite get past the corporate logo and tie-die mashup. Oh, and don't buy whatever this is either.
No. 4 -- Flame knit beanie
I suppose UConn can get partial credit for releasing this bitchin' flame beanie only 20 years after it was fashionable (that's downright speedy by Storrs standards), but that doesn't make up every single other thing about it.
No. 3 -- Live at Gampel! Retro t-shirt
I don't know what they were going for here, but I do know they missed the mark. Check out a larger version of the graphic. *low whistle*
No. 2 -- Denim button-down shirts
UConn sells not one, not two, not three, but FOUR different versions of this number. I don't even have the words.
No. 1 -- C'mon, you know where we're going with this
It couldn't be anything else.
I hope that wasn't too scarring for anyone. I do want to take a moment to be fair to the fine folks over at HuskyWear.com. To get these 10 items I was cherrypicking from a much larger selection, which features a lot of awesome UConn stuff. They're running a 50 percent off sale right now if you spend more than $50 (password "June"). Go check them out.