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From the archives: UConn's application to the ACC

A little over a year ago, shortly after Pitt and Syracuse announced their departure to the ACC, commeneter "The Swag Machine" left a little treat for all of us. His comment, which was was the most popular in the site's history, is reprinted below.

If I'm UConn I'm filing that application today, and it reads something like this:

Yo ACC bitches. Congratulations! You have successfully taken all the teams we hate the most and formed some sort of Anti-UConn Legion of Douche. And while we'd love nothing more than to fart on all y'all faces, we really don't have a choice but to kiss your ass and ask to be part of your stupid conference.

Now we really shouldn't have to get on our knees and beg here, even though I know the thought of that is giving Coach K and Jim Boeheim simultaneous boners right now. You just let Pitt and Syracuse in, which in swag terms, is like letting Fat Joe and Paul Wall (respectively) into your 50/50 club. We're at least Rick Ross (Arggggggghhhaaa) in this analogy.

So you want to improve the quality of football in the ACC? Then why not let in the defending Tostidos Fiesta Bowl runner-ups? And have you seen Johnny Mac's trick shot video? It's right up there with guy getting hit by ice cream truck. Plus it'd be great to show Randy "Billy Zane's character from Titanic" Edsall that revenge is a dish best served cold, and we're about to give him a whole motherfudging bowl of gazpacho.
What's that? THIS season? Has that started already? We were too busy recruiting Andre "hide yo' point guards, hide yo' centers, and hide your small forwards cuz he rapin' errryyybudddyyy out here" Drummond for our National Title defense to notice.

Oh yeah, maybe you saw our little run last March? You know, when Duke and UNC and all your other golden boys were shitting the bed...remember that? If your secret agenda here (and we can only assume this is the case) is to create a basketball conference that is equivalent to a Dick Vitale wet dream, you absolutely need our service.

And, not that you care, but we also pretty much own women's college basketball. And soon Pat Summit isn't going to know the difference between a full-court press and a panini press, at which time the NCAA will just give us the trophy at the start of every season, and save everyone the trouble of having to sit through five months of women's basketball. Zing.

So, in closing, as much as we'd like to go all Braveheart on your ass, we've seen the movie and Mel Gibson gets beheaded at the end. Let's get this clusterfuck going and I can promise we'll make some average-looking football babies, but a whole bunch of sexy-as-shit basketball babies.