Rhode Island is, like, totally not a bother this week.
So I strained for some way to preview the showdown between good and poor-at-football-but-still-evil. Saturday's game (noon, ESPN360.com if you don't want to spend your hard-earned money on this beatdown).
And then, I figured, my specialty is mindless hateration on people and things I've never met. So here, then, are the top 10 reasons to hate on the University of Rhode Island.
1) OK, we start with a cheat: the good things about Rhode Island.
I scanned Wikipedia for eons (read: 3-5 minutes), and came up with two.
If only UConn could have been more creative.
And secondly, on my one-ever trip to the Ocean State, I found all three of its towns agreeable. So that's good.
2) Rhode Island is neither a road, nor an island
3) URI used to be UConn's greatest rival (at least in the Yankee Conference)
As noted here, which I think everyone should read, and also everyone should send me $10 for having read it.
Rhody is also indirectly responsible for Jonathan the Husky warming the hearts of thousands of snarky, hard-to-please New England sports fans, which I guess is cool.
But seriously, learn your history (courtesy of Prof. Meacham) and kidnap a delicious ram before you head out to the game Saturday. And then use its blood-soaked horn to make noise on 3rd downs. Fun for the whole family.
4) URI's fight song
Let me just post the lyrics to URI's fight song, courtesy of Wikipedia:
We're Rhode Island born
We're Rhode Island bred
And when we die
We'll be Rhode Island dead
So go go Rhode Island, Island
Go go Rhode Island, Island
GO RHODE ISLAND
U! R! I!
Rhode Islanders must have watched Jeopardy the day when one of the categories was "Things Texas People Say". On the plus side, I give URI credit for changing it from "Texas-born" to "Rhode Island-born." I didn't think they had it in them.
The second half of the cheer is just nonsense, though admittedly not as nonsensical as UConn's fight song cheering for "ConnU" at one point.
5) URI's style of play
The Rams used to run a triple-option, which is totally cool, as anyone who plays the EA Sports NCAA football games can attest. Now, they run an annoying spread, probably just to piss me off.
And it doesn't even make sense, practice-wise: any throw of more than 20 yards will necessarily take the receiver out of Rhode Island.
6) URI basketball
Back in the day, UConn had to use ridiculous gimmicks like holding the ball for six minutes at a time in order to beat the Rams. (Although we were four players short.)
In history B.C.C. (Before Coach Cal), URI and UConn had a long history of big basketball battles. But, as all UConn basketball fans know, the universe is only 22 years old, so maybe that whole history is made up. URI may have been a Yankee Conference power, in the same way that some cool stuff might have gone down in the universe before the Big Bang.
Nowadays, they're a poor-man's Providence.
Think about how pathetic THAT is.
You should hate URI because I will be making a special-guest appearance at the Rent Saturday (wearing my usual Dan Orlovsky jersey), and I don't want to be the only one with calumny towards the Rams.
8) Quarterback Chris-Paul Etienne
Speaking of me, if there's one thing I hate, it's Rutgers. Naturally, when looking for reasons to hate any team, a Rutgers connection is the first thing I look for. (For example, Rutgers' football team is the official football team of Rutgers. I hate Rutgers' football team.)
I didn't have to look for for URI, though. Starting QB Chris Paul-Etienne is a transfer from the flailing failtown that is Piscataway; he was the Scarlet Knights' third-string QB in 2007 and saw action in mop-up duty. He's now the starter at Rhody, where he scored three TDs in a 41-28 win over Fordham a couple weeks ago.
Joseph! Reyes! Martin! Witten! DESTROY HIM!.
9) Magic fish
Rhode Island's only chance to win? If this video of a Rhode Island town meeting(*) is any basis, URI could win this game if they choose to use their state's dwindling supply of magic fish to grant them wishes:
*- may not be true
10) Because this game is pointless
UConn's going to win big. So hate on URI for being lambs (ha!) to Randy Edsall's slaughter.
Prediction: Andre Dixon and Jordan Todman rush for >200 yards, Cody Endres takes a trip to the gun show, and UConn wins, 48-7.
You know what I don't hate? Being 3-1 with an off-week upcoming to get everyone healthy.