Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please.
Earlier tonight, the No. 1-ranked Blue Devils of Duke University were defeated in a NCAA-regulated collegiate basketball game. As a result, we, the the clandestine representatives of the University of Connecticut, demand that Duke cede its ranking, effective immediately.
Failure to comply will result in thousands of obnoxious Gampel Pavilioners chanting "We're Number One!" Saturday evening, if UConn can actually beat Providence for the first time in millenia.
We in Connecticut realize that our time as a true No. 1 could last all of one day, due to its difficult contest in Louisville Monday night. Therefore, we request four days of a "tryout" period for the No. 1 ranking.
We feel this is only fair, as not only have the Blue Devils lost, but they are totally lame and no one likes them.
We feel our case is sound and our cause is righteous.
Thank you, and God bless us all.