"Hey, if you look close enough, you can still see where I scored that touchdown against Louisville last year. Remember that time, guys? ... Guys?"
I feel it's necessary for me to start off by saying that I in no way support drunk driving. It's stupid.
Yet, I can't blame someone for getting crunk every once and while. Especially if that person is Andre Dixon.
Lest we forget that just this past year, Dixon was the team's leading rusher and that he basically carried the offense in the most important two-game stretch in program history. Although he and Donald Brown would jostle for playing time throughout the season, there was something about the dreadlocked feller from Joysey that just made him likable. Maybe it has something to do with the fascination UConn fans have with good hair dos. Or maybe they just like players with a bit of swagger.
But this season hasn't been as swaggerliciousnessaholic as the junior running back might have hoped.
Here's a brief timeline of Dixon's junior season, complete with our own Dixometer to gauge his emotional state:
Summer: Randy Edsall raves about having two of the best running backs in the country in the preseason, and says Dixon and Brown will likely split carries this season. Dixometer: Happy.
"What 'chu know about me?"
Late August: Dixon fall down, go boom sometime in the last week of practice before the season . Has ankle boo-boo that will keep him out of the game. Dixometer: Frustrated, but optimistic.
"I'll be back. Ya heard? Dahhhh. Like that Arnold cat ... with the muscles ... What 'chu know about me?"
August 28: Brown rushes for 150 yards and four touchdowns against Hofstra. Dixometer: A bit discouraged, but relatively upbeat.
"Hey, I'm out. But have you seen my dreds? They're tough, man. Tough."
September 6: Dixon deems himself healthy enough to play against Temple. He takes one carry and cuts up the left sideline for four yards before limping off the field. Brown goes on to rush for 220 yards on 36 carries and scores the winning touchdown late in the fourth quarter. Dixometer: Frustrated, upset, a bit hungry.
"This ankle sucks, man. But I'm just gonna make it do what it do, ya heard? ... Man, I can use me's a samich."
September 13: On the shelf again, Brown becomes the nation's rushing leader after a 208-yard, three-score performance in a 45-10 rout of Virginia. Even worse, freshman tailback Jordan Todman, in his first game after recovering from a left shoulder separation, breaks tackles and shifts up the sidelines using his mythical speed for a 48-yard run. Todman finishes the game with 81 yards and a touchdown on 13 carries. When asked three days later if Dixon's probable return will limit Todman's carries, Edsall says: "Oh, we're going to use Jordan. He gives you a little bit of a dimension than the other backs that we have." Dixometer: Agitated, Britishy.
"I do say, this is quite preposterous, meang."
Septemeber 19-November 1: Cleared medically, Dixon is relegated to third-string and totals two carries for -5 yards. Too similar in style to Brown, who is now one of the best backs in the country, Dixon's carries are mostly given to Todman. Dixometer: Sad, cranky.
November 15: Although in garbage time, Dixon rushes for 38 yards on six carries in a 39-14 win over Syracuse. Dixometer: Upbeat.
"I'm back, baby! You know, I wasn't crying, right? I was just ... drinking water ... out my eyes. ... Have you seen my dreds? Dreds, baby. Dreds."
November23: Despite getting 5 yards on a catch, Dixon doesn't log a single carry in a 17-13 loss to South Florida. Dixometer: Lonely. Oh, so lonely.
December 2: Dixon is arrested and charged with a DUI early Tuesday morning.
Now, one might say that getting wasted on a Monday night is stupid. They might also saying driving after drinking on a Monday night is ever worse. And they might say tailgating a police car at 1:43 in the morning while driving drunk is the trifecta of stupidity.
Those people would be right.
But people deal with depression differently: Some sit around their room, moping. Some get crunk and tailgate cop cars.
Nevertheless, it's just like the old adage says: It ain't over until the bail check bounces.
So here's to another great season from the fan-favorite running back next year ... on the scout team at Manchester Community College.
I'd drink to that.