Coach Cal: Big East will split, Central Florida 'not a sexy name'

The new Abbott and Costello. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

Three-time national champion basketball coach Jim Calhoun (I love saying that, and it sounds better than one-time APR-violating basketball coach Jim Calhoun) recently spoke with the media in regards to Big East expansion, and as expected, the coach says what we're all thinking: that the Big East is likely to split in the relatively near future, the football and basketball schools parting ways as the current league's expansion becomes more and more unwieldy.

(My solution, as always: an enormous superconference of two 12-team leagues that share revenue and a monster TV contract. Bring in Kansas, Kansas State and Missouri for the football side when the Big 12-2 implodes under the cruel, merciless King Bevo; bring in Dayton, Xavier, Temple and St. Joe's for the basketball side. Sure, it probably doesn't make "financial sense" or "logistical sense," but the idea of just scooping up even more Conference USA teams depresses the hell out of me.)

Anyways, this mildly interesting note showed up on a blog post on the Orlando Sentinel's web site mainly because of Coach Cal's comments on Central Florida's Big East worthiness. Everyone put on your silk robe, some slippers, and take your lady friend into your grasp, because it's about to get all kinds of hot up in here:

"Whoever you bring, I like sexy names. So what names? Central Florida would be kind of good but it’s not a sexy name right now. Yet it has, I think, the largest population enrollment of any school in the state of Florida. I don’t think South Florida will care about that, having them come in so close by."

My gruff-brogue-to-English translator must be on the fritz, because I have no idea if Cal is saying that USF will object to Central Florida joining or not.

Most importantly: Jim Calhoun likes sexy, sexy, dirty names. As an ambassador of the Big East, Calhoun has to plant seeds with promising candidates, and to do that he has to be a distinguishing gentleman.

Central Florida? No freakin' way. Central Florida stands in the corner while the rest of the room parties. Central Florida has some potential, I guess, but it's going to take getting past that name. I suggest a name change (Veronica State University!).

Memphis? Now there's a sexy name. That's the kind of conversation-piece name that Jim Calhoun likes. The sort of exotic name - Egyptian, maybe? - that makes you want to get to know a school. The sort of name that gives a school an air of mystery, that separates her from your average school when you see her on the dance floor.

Memphis has dark, raven-like hair and is scented by booze and life. She's wonderful, even if they did kind of catch her cheating that one time. Oh, Memphis, I'll treat you good, baby...

...

I think I forgot what I was writing about. I guess what I'm saying is that you will now be thinking of things that turn Jim Calhoun on for the rest of your day, and possibly life.

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