For all the good that UConn basketball has done for both America and the Big East, something strikes me as worriesome. If UConn truly is the beacon of all that is good in college basketball, then why do bad things happen to them? And why are UConn fans further punished by the success of Syracuse? It's a dilemma of faith that every person must go through in their life. We must search deep inside ourselves to see if we were somehow responsible for the Orange's 2003 NCAA championship.
Luckily, it had nothing to do with any of us. Using the magic of the Freedom of Information Act, we unearthed this contract from the depths of the city of Syracuse's public records vault. We think this will clear things up.
WHEREAS James Arthur Boeheim, born 11/17/1944, of Syracuse, N.Y., herefore referred to as "the coach," has been a highly succesful collegiate basketball coach for 27 years at Syracuse University, and
WHEREAS the coach has led many fine young men from adolescence into manhood in an exemplary fashion, and
WHEREAS the coach has been successful in defeating all of the tiny Division I schools of New York state, which fill the coach's schedule from October through New Years', and
WHEREAS the coach has never coached a team to a recognized collegiate national basketball championship, and
WHEREAS the coach's rival, Jim Calhoun, has won a national championship due to his own talents and the will of a just and loving supreme being, and
WHEREAS it is the opinion of the coach that this is totally unfair, and that the coach not only deserves a national championship, but so do the fine people of upstate New York, and
WHEREAS Mephistopheles, hereby referred to as "the devil," is a granter of wishes through his mastery of the dark, unholy arts.
THEREFORE, the coach agrees to renounce his claim to his own soul, and renounces any further claim to that soul.
IN EXCHANGE, the devil agrees to grant his powers, in the form of a 6-foot-8 athletic freak with NBA-ready skills, referred to as "the playa," to the coach in an effort to bring a national basketball championship to Syracuse University and the coach.
The coach, following this national championship, will sign his fate over to the devil. Among the rights now reserved to the devil are:
- The right to remove the playa as soon as services have been rendered.
- The right to inflict crushing upset losses to double-digit seeds in future championship tournaments
- The right to invest his powers in individual players for any four-day span
- The right to take away those powers from those players in a fashion most hilarious
- The right to deny Syracuse University access to the championship tournament for no particular reason
- The right to do so two years in a row
- The right to do so three years in a row
- Pretty much the right to do so
- The right to karmic punishment for toolishly storming the court less than five years after services have been rendered
- Many other rights
This contract will take effect immediately upon the signatures of both parties.
Conceived on this Thursday, May 9, 2002,
X James A. Boeheim
Head coach, Syracuse University men's basketball